"Don't keep a diary," said my grandfather, during the course of an otherwise mundane vacation. "Why?" I continued to keep an eye on the television in front of me, "How else would I remember all the good things that happened to me?" He smiled and said, "Because when you look back, all that was once good will weigh you down and make you wonder if you should have made those mistakes in the first place." I had never paid much attention to what my grandparents had told me and this one was no exception. Till today.
At a time when nothing seems to be going your way, you would probably do something that makes you happy like watch a movie or chat with your friends. I write. I opened my diary today and it fell on a page that I was hoping I would never have to read again. It was one of the happiest days of my life - I can't remember being any happier than I was at that point of time and something tells me that there is a chance that I will never feel that way again.
Yet for the first time in my life, I completely understood the meaning of the words that my grandfather had spoken. It is a strange and unnerving feeling to relive a day like that in your mind, only this time, in the context of everything that has been happening for the past few months. The agony is indescribable. It is only when you realize the web of lies that was woven around your eyes was actually delicate enough to be broken by a single thought that you understand the fragility of your life. How every choice you made took you a particular way and how you did not become things that you could have been. How you could not have seen things that were quite plainly put in front of you and most importantly, why you could not choose what you knew was right.
I do not want to regret any of the choices that I made because they made me what I am today. By hating those decisions, I will hate the person that I have become and to live with that kind of hate is difficult. I close my book and I wonder. Given a choice, would I rewrite my past or would I just relive the moments? And what would become of me after I choose again? Will I remain the same "me" or would I find my purpose altered yet again? For my own sanity, I prefer to leave these questions unanswered.
